Donna Necci (1955 – 2022): Love – The more you put in, the more you get back

Our first meeting:

My first recollection of Donna is when she came to the Cancer Center for the first time. She had been recently diagnosed with cancer that had already spread to her liver. As I walked into the room, I found an energetic and charismatic person who had the ability to become the center of attention of any gathering. You did not have to know Donna for a long time to see that every word that came out of her mouth came straight from her heart. There was absolutely no pretense and nothing fake about her.

I introduced myself as her oncologist and she started with a litany of complaints. “Listen, doctor, we have our own business and we know how to run a business and I can tell you that you guys are not doing the best job around here. I am not getting a good feeling so far.” She said.

“Thank you for bringing that to my attention. We take great pride in what we do around here. We will do what is best for you and sometimes we may tell you to do something that you may not like but we will still say that to you if we think it is in your best interest. Just like family members do for each other. When people come to your business for services, you call them customers. When people go to lawyers, they call them clients. But now you will know that when people come to doctors, we call them patients. This is because we want you to be patient in order for us to help you.” I responded defensively.

As I was speaking, I saw her intently looking at me and listening to what I was saying. I could tell that she was a woman of resources and had a variety of choices in where she wanted to go to get her cancer care.  I was expecting that she might get angry or upset at what I was saying and was preparing myself for more complaints from her but then she said something that took me totally by surprise.

“You know what? I have decided that you are going to be my doctor!” She declared.

Not knowing exactly how to respond, I muttered, “OK…”

“Won’t you ask me why?” She said.

“Why?” I asked as I was told to.

“Because you have a bump on your ear and I have it too!” She pointed towards her ear.

I burst into laughter and everybody in the room laughed. This is clearly not the direction that everybody was expecting the conversation to take.

“I can see that. So far other than myself, I know of only one person who has a similar bump on his ear and that is my son. In fact, my son looks very much like his mother’s side of the family and the ear bump is the only way I can be assured that he is my son.” I chuckled. “And now you are the only other person in my life who also has the bump!”

She had used her magic to make an instant connection with me. We had both declared to each other that we would not just be in a doctor-patient relationship but would rather operate as family members. Little did I know that over the course of the next couple of years, she would have made intimate and personal connections with literally all the staff at the cancer center.

The life that she lived with Stage IV cancer:

When she was originally diagnosed with cancer, although it had spread to her liver, fortunately, she did not have any severe symptoms. She started chemotherapy, which she tolerated very well. She kept on living her life to the fullest. She was very social, outgoing, and flamboyant. She kept on doing all the things that she wanted to do. Nobody could tell that she was living with Stage IV cancer.

Other than myself, she was seen frequently by our nurse practitioner Maria Paddock and developed a very close personal connection with her. She was on family-like terms with all the nurses and secretaries that ever were involved in her care. Every few days, some staff member from the cancer center would stop me in the hallway and ask how Donna was doing. They always had a concern similar to what you might have for your family member. Our staff often gets emotionally involved with most of our patients but I do not think that I have been asked about any patient by my staff as much as I was asked about Donna.

She was also very fond of giving gifts. Especially around the time of the holidays, she would bring personalized gifts for many of the staff members. These were not just random gifts but you could tell that she had gotten to know each staff member on a personal basis and got them gifts that they liked. We would tell her that she did not really need to do that but she told her that she was doing that out of her own happiness. Even as I write this eulogy,  I am sipping coffee from a mug given to me by Donna that she gave me to celebrate a marathon that I ran.

Sue Rosica is one of our deeply respected nurses who has worked with cancer patients for several decades. You would think that she may have been “hardened” by this job of taking care of cancer patients and then losing them. She told me how Donna had made a personal connection with her too at their first meeting. Sue had seen her birthdate on her clinical chart and they instantly connected when they found out that they were exactly the same age, only 20 days apart. Donna found out that Sue liked gardening and brought her an Italian Rose bush that she had kept at her house that reminds her of Donna now that Donna is gone. Sue often talked to Donna about her grandsons and they called them the Zucchini brothers. Donna would ask about them often and they became more like friends on top of their nurse-patient relationship. No wonder Sue’s tears would not stop flowing when I saw her at Donna’s funeral services.

The Auction:

Donna started telling me how she was planning to host an auction event at her Lake House. “Listen, we are not the richest people around town but we do well.” She put together an extravagant event and invited a lot of friends many of whom were quite resourceful. She arranged for an auction with the intent to raise money for the cancer center. The outcome of the auction was very interesting.

“I was expecting to raise a few thousand dollars but I ended up raising 36,000 dollars!” She exclaimed.

“ That is a lot of money Donna. How did people end up donating so much?” I inquired.

“Well, you know me! I had them serve the alcohol first and then we started the auction when everybody was quite tipsy and then they got carried away with their donations.” She replied and we both had a good laugh.

“I am going to donate this money to the cancer center but it will be in your name. You do with it whatever you want. If you want to take the nurses out on a cruise, so be it but you have to decide how this money gets used.” She told me.

“Donna you are making it very hard for me to be able to thank you for that. But I will make sure that every penny gets used where it is needed the most.” I promised.  

The cancer center administration was of course quite appreciative of her donation. A small ceremony took place where her generosity was highlighted and shared with the community by a local news channel.

You can click on the following link to see the news story:

https://13wham.com/news/local/cancer-patient-honors-doctors-with-36000-donation-to-lipson-cancer-institute

The hospital also honored her by dedicating an office suite in our names. This was particularly honorable for me to have my name on the plaque since this kind of honor is typically achieved towards the end of one’s career.

This is how she was battling her own cancer. By giving to others and on a mission to make people happy.

Mike:

Nothing can ever be said about Donna without a mention of Mike. When patients come to us for their medical care, their family members also become our patients, in a way. They are the doctor’s eyes and ears at home. We collaborate with them to give the best possible care to the patients at home. If any big decisions are made, although the final decision is always the patient’s but we make sure that everybody present in the room is on the same page. Mike was always by Donna’s side. He always kept such a calm demeanor. The thing that struck me the most was how much Mike loved Donna, without uttering a single word about it. In my estimate, very few men are capable of loving a woman as much as Mike loved Donna. She would always be talking and joking, the usual charming Donna, and I could see him constantly smiling, laughing, and doting over Donna. He never contradicted Donna. He always channeled her thoughts in the right direction. He did not say much but was always a great listener and asked the best questions and was there for Donna as a stong pillar and a firm anchor.

When Donna saw death, a year before her death

About two and a half years passed by since her diagnosis. Donna was still living life about the same as she had since before her diagnosis. She tolerated chemotherapy exceptionally well and had no symptoms. As much as I was happy for her, I kept giving her subtle warnings that things might not always stay the same. Then one day, her cancer finally decided to wake up in vengeance, ending its deep slumber.

We had just had a clinic visit and discussed her latest scans, which showed that cancer was quiescent and growing at a very slow pace. We decided to change her chemotherapy regimen. This was a time when we were least expecting any problems. She was making plans to travel and have a very busy social calendar. A few days later while she was at home, just over a matter of a few hours, she started having pain in her abdomen that started out of nowhere and kept intensifying. This escalated rapidly to a point that she had to be brought in to the hospital emergently. Her bowels had been obstructed by the cancer and because of the blockage, the infection had spread into her bloodstream. She rapidly started losing her blood pressure and went into septic shock. We routinely see patients whose bowels get obstructed and just by giving some days of bowel rest, they recover but Donna’s condition was worsening every passing minute. The ICU doctors and the infectious disease experts felt that this might be a life-ending event for Donna. The surgeon had to be called in emergently. It was a difficult situation since her risk of dying from surgery was high but she was still taken to the Operating Room and the skillful surgeon operated to relieve the obstruction but in doing so, had to remove a large part of her intestine. Donna had to stay for several weeks in the hospital for recovery. Mike remained by her bedside as if someone had glued him to her hospital room.

When Donna was in the hospital, it is no exaggeration for me to say that almost every day when I went to work, someone from the cancer center would stop me in the hallway and ask how Donna was doing. After Donna came out of her coma, I visited her. She seemed to be in a state of shock. From her eyes, you could tell that she had seen death from up close. Death had visited her and wanted to take her but decided to walk away for a while. For how long? We did not know.

Donna never fully recovered from this incident. She kept on losing weight. Since a large part of her intestine had to be removed, she could not get enough nutrition and hydration on her own. She had to come to the cancer center multiple times every week to get fluids through her veins. Any other person who would have such a change in their life overnight, that is, from having a busy social calendar and from going to cruises and concerts to now having to sit in the cancer center hooked up to IVs would not take it very well. But not Donna! You could still see the sheer bravery and courage in her eyes. She kept her charm and sense of humor. She was already beloved at the cancer center but now she was also spending more time with our staff. Our nurses are some of the best nurses in the hospital and they already take great care of their patients but you could tell that when they were with Donna, they were treating her like their own family member and were giving her genuine love. They were only returning the love that they had already received from Donna. What you sow, so shall you reap.

Our Final Meeting:

Finally, a time came when Donna’s body was not even strong enough to receive any more treatments such as chemotherapy. She continued to lose weight. In a lot of cases, patients and their family members and also the nurses wait for the doctor to declare that a patient should now go on to hospice. That no more treatments are possible and the only way to move forward would be to keep the patient comfortable and to stop any potential life-prolonging treatments because they would only add to the patient’s suffering. In Donna’s case, although I was supposed to have the final word as to when to offer to initiate hospice level of care, all my experienced nurses and nurse practitioners had already made that decision for her. In my conversations with my team, I was told by multiple experienced nurses that they thought that it was now time that Donna should stay at home and be on hospice.

I walked into the room. Donna was seated in a recliner wrapped up with warm blankets. Mike was by her bedside as always. All that remained of her was skin and bones. Her face had the classic look of “cancer cachexia.” We had talked about this moment multiple times through the course of her illness. She realized that the time had now come for her to say her goodbyes. There was peace on her face. There was understanding and acceptance. On one hand, I was telling her that it was time to stay at home and spend quality time with her loved ones. I asked her to call anyone close to her to have her final conversations and goodbyes. But on the other hand, I myself did not have the heart to say goodbye to her. I told her that this is not goodbye and that I will be around for any issues or concerns. I left the room with that thought. One week later I received the department notification that she had passed.

What did we learn from Donna:

Donna came into our lives and left but taught us several things in the process. When I went to her funeral services, all her family members came to me and thanked me for the care that she received at the cancer center. They told me that Donna loved everybody at the cancer center. I told them, “What you put in, you get back. Donna gave nothing but love to everybody at the cancer center so they were returning only what they had received from Donna in the first place.”

They told me that she had already arranged her funeral services and remained in control of arranging all the formalities dealing with her departure from this world. Instead of flowers, she asked people to donate to the Cancer Center. She taught us how to remain in control of any situation even when it meant that you will lose control at one point. She taught us how to make personal connections and then follow them through. She showed us how to live a beautiful, energetic life full of experiences even when faced with the prospect of living only another few years.

Please read Donna’s Obituary by clicking here.

Should you choose to donate to cancer patients, please click here.

August 14, 2022