A Doctor and His Daughter on Becoming a Doctor

My grandfather could not read or write. Still not so unfortunate to be unable to send his children to school. He moved them from the village to the city and put them in a school. Not only did he give his children the opportunity to learn but he also passed on to them the discipline to work hard and excel in school and go into competitive and respectable professions of Medicine and Law. My father was a valedictorian and had a very successful career as a Pediatrician. My brothers and I followed suit and went into the same professions. Becoming a doctor came natural to me and I found it easy to navigate the already well-trodden path by my family.

As my own children are now growing up, I found it hard to know how much to guide them when it came to their own choice of career. Another level of complexity was added by the fact that I immigrated to America. The practices of parents and how much influence they had on their children’s career choices were very different compared to Pakistan where most parents insist that their kids choose between just a few professions, that is, becoming a Doctor, Lawyer, or an Engineer.

I am a proud parent in that my daughter Zaina graduated from high school and has entered college this year. Over the years, I have had conversations with her regarding what she should do for a career when she grows up. As we move her out of the house into her college dorm room this month, I have put together a dialogue between her and myself that you will find interesting if you are a parent, or a child who has given any thought to “how to make a career choice.” This dialogue did not take place in one sitting but in bits and pieces over a number of years.

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Me: So what do you want to become when you grow up? 

Zaina: I don’t know (shrugging her shoulders.)

Me: I think you should start thinking about it. It will be one of the most important decisions of your life. What about your school friends? Have they started saying what they want to do for a living when they grow up?

Zaina: It’s not something that we really talk about. But it’s kind of a joke at school how brown and Asian parents are so overly focused on their kids’ careers and apparently all brown parents want their children to become doctors. The White parents on the other hand just let their kids do what they want to do, what they like to do. 

Me: I totally get it that there is a difference amongst parenting styles. I remember that once I had asked one of my White colleagues what her daughter wanted to be when she grew up and she had said that she moved to California and wanted to become a dancer. Although there’s nothing wrong with doing that, it was just ingrained in me that becoming a dancer cannot be a suitable career choice. So I asked her, “but what did you want her to be?” She turned around and gave me the kind of a look that you give someone when you don’t like the question. “Happy!” she responded in just one word. 

Very different for brown parents though. There was a Russel Peters show where he was making a joke that if a brown kid growing up in America decides to become a doctor, that means that he or she does not have any independent thought process and is just following his parents’ wishes blindly. 

Zaina: The world is so full of interesting things to do and tremendous possibilities. Why is it that brown parents are stuck on making their kids into doctors and think that whatever else they do will be all doom and gloom? 

Me: I think this is because of our own childhood. Where we grew up, it was very hard to make a good living in other professions. Getting into a medical school was a sort of a guarantee that you will be well-respected by the society and you will earn a good living. In developing countries, if you don’t earn well, your quality of life can be really bad. You may not even be able to afford some basics such as buy a house or have a decent car unless you have inherited some money. Yes, people in other professions also do quite well but financial success is not guaranteed.

Zaina: Well that is not the case here in America. You can have a decent life in almost any profession. We are told in schools to follow our passions and not worry too much about how much money we will be making. You also don’t want to end up making good money but every day wake up to a job that you hate to do. Also, a lot of kids don’t want to put in so much time and effort into such prolonged studies. You have to be in school for so long to become a doctor. 

Me: Those are great points and that is exactly why we are having this conversation. As a parent, it is hard to decide how much to be involved with your children in terms of guiding them towards the choice of a certain career. White parents can tend to be too “hands off” and let the kids make their own decisions where they should provide some guidance because how mature can a kid’s mind be at high school age. brown and Asian parents on the other hand can be “helicopter” parents and be too overbearing and demanding their kids to adopt certain career choices fulfilling their own dreams rather than letting the kids pursue their passions. 

Zaina: So what are you saying? 

Me: I’m saying that you are growing into a very smart young woman and whatever decision you make will be a good one. But I can at least tell you that whatever you choose to do, if the career of your choice fulfills four criteria, I will think that you chose a great profession.

Zaina: And what are those four criteria?

Me: A career should be financially rewarding, intellectually stimulating, socially giving and personally forgiving. 

Zaina: Woo, that is a mouthful. Now you have to tell me what you mean by that. 

Me: Well, first of all, nobody can deny that the biggest reality of life is money. When you put all your effort into doing something it is only fair that you should be paid well. If all your life, you are struggling to juggle your finances and are not able to provide adequately for yourself and your family, not only do you suffer in day-to-day living but you are also not able to engage in more pleasurable things in life. You are always trying to make ends meet.

Look at the example of teachers. They are the most important workers of any society. They build a society. But their wages are very low compared to so many other professions. You know how they say that if you are made the President of the country for one day, what would you do? I usually say that I will make teachers the highest-paid people in society and then see how everybody will be flocking to become a teacher. 

Even different sciences pay differently. I have a friend whose dream was to become a marine biologist. After going to college for a few years he realized that although he would be living his dream, he would not be able to afford all his groceries easily so he changed paths and became a radiation oncologist. He wished that someone had told him earlier about the income potential of different jobs rather than being told only to pursue his passions. A kid should be forewarned if his or her passion doesn’t pay well. 

It is so common for kids to go to college, take huge loans to pursue degrees of their choice, and graduate to find out that their jobs barely pay enough to manage their daily expenses let alone pay off the loans quickly and easily. A philosophy professor may be the highest educated person in society but might make less in a year than what is needed to live a comfortable life.  

Zaina: That all makes sense but the problem is that brown parents care about nothing else. They just want their kids to become money-making machines. There is more to life than just worrying about how to make money. It is probably equally worse to be stuck in doing what you don’t like to do in order to make good money as compared to being stuck with what you like to do but not being able to make a good living.

Me: You are right! That brings me to the second criterion. Whatever you do should be intellectually stimulating. 

Zaina: Now what is that all about?

Me: What makes humans superior to all other forms of life on this planet is our brains. We share all our other functions with animals but since we have the ability to think and have higher intelligence, we claim superiority over all other species. Now within the human species, it’s the same thing that makes certain people superior to others. Intellect. Whoever uses their intelligence the most is regarded the most in a society. 

Zaina: But by that criteria, only academicians would be respected by society but if someone is not inclined that way and genuinely not interested in books, should they force themselves to study? That simply doesn’t attract some people.

Me: Intelligence does not come only from books. Yes, it’s true that if you are studying a subject formally and have done a lot of research or published many papers, it is highly regarded but you could be in a profession where the expertise might not come just from reading books. You should strive to be the best at what you are doing by using your brain. For example, if you sell flowers, you should strive to become the florist who knows the most about flowers! The quality of your flowers should be the best. You should make the best bouquets. Not only should you try to be good at the business of selling flowers but you should use your intellect to dive deep into the study of flowers to the point that your knowledge should put a Botanist or a Floriculturist to shame. 

Zaina: So basically what you are saying is not to just focus on making a living but to try to become the best at what you do by using your intellect to become an expert at your trade. 

Me: You got it. 

Zaina: But is that necessary? If you have a business that is bringing you tons of money, why can’t you just enjoy life and not worry too much about becoming the most knowledgeable person in that field? 

Me: Yes you can do that but that makes for a shallow personality. You will see people in your life who inherit a fortune and they do not have to work at all. They have more money than their multiple generations can spend. They can live a hedonistic life but that lacks any sense of achievement or self -actualization. If a person, who is not financially dependent on his or her income, becomes an expert in a certain trade, their respect goes to an entirely different level. 

Zaina: Yes I know what you mean. There is a girl in our school whose parents are apparently so wealthy that they live like the royals. She doesn’t even need to go to school but she spends the most time studying because she wants to join NASA and become an astronaut. No wonder she is so popular. 

Anyways, what else should I look for in a job?

Me: Oh the third criterion! Whatever you do for a living should be “socially giving.” 

Zaina: Socially giving! Now what does that mean?

Me: It means that whatever you are doing, if you are also helping people, preferably without charging them for it, you will find it to be the most satisfying. My dad was a pediatrician. In his private practice, he would see a lot of poor people. Every time he sensed that a patient or their family was struggling to pay his fees, he would waive it off. I know restaurant owners who routinely feed hungry people without charging them. I know several lawyers who work pro bono even if they don’t have to. This is the essence of being a good human being. Using your skills to help people and not focus just on making your own living.

Zaina: In a way, aren’t you helping people no matter what you do? Any time you are providing service to someone, you are helping them right?

Me: Well there are some jobs where you are only helping privileged people get more privileged. For example if you are an investment banker who takes on clients who have let’s say, a minimum of a million dollars to invest, you are helping the rich get richer. If you are a luxury yacht dealer, you are helping to further elevate the already extravagant lifestyle of your customer. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those occupations but at the end of the day, you have not helped a person in misery or at the time of need. If you still want to give back to the society, you can donate money but you will not have the gratification that one achieves by giving hands-on help to someone. 

Zaina: Yes I can see that. 

Me: That brings me to my last criterion. Make sure that the career you are choosing is “personally forgiving.” 

Zaina: “Personally forgiving!” What does that mean?

Me: It means that whatever you end up doing in life, make sure that your job does not consume your entire existence. Leave some space, in fact a lot of space, to do things outside of your occupation. You will be surprised to see that this balance can be very hard to achieve.

 I remember once going to an annual gala put together by the local Academy of Medicine. There was an awards ceremony and after dozens of people came to the podium to receive their awards, they announced the final award which was some sort of a lifetime achievement award given to a physician-scientist who had made extraordinary discoveries in his lab. After accepting his award, he first pointed towards a group of people in the audience and asked them to stand up. He introduced them as his “work family,” that is, his co-workers from his lab. He thanked them and told the audience how he could not have achieved what he did without their help. Then he pointed towards another small group of people in the audience and had them stand up. These were his family members including his wife, children and grandkids. Instead of thanking them, he apologized to them publicly for how absent he was in his home life. He admitted to being a failure in all his personal relationships because he was so consumed by the passion of his job. Everybody could see the disdain on the faces of the family members accentuated by the tears in his wife’s eyes. 

Zaina: Yes, I would not want to be in that situation. 

Me: There are other examples. I see cancer patients all the time who have a similar story. They work all their lives thinking of traveling or pursuing hobbies when it’s time for their retirement but get diagnosed with serious illness just within a few months of retiring. 

I used to moonlight at a hospital and whenever I needed to obtain a gastroenterology consult, there was this one consultant who was always working. Even on weekends and long holidays. After a break of a few months, I was on the floor looking up his number but couldn’t find it so I asked a nurse for his contact information. She looked at me and replied, “Oh you don’t know he died? In fact he was working in the hospital one weekend and he collapsed on the floor. They called a code blue but they could not revive him. He came to work in the morning and was taken to the morgue by the afternoon.” 

Zaina: Oh boy! That did not end too well. So in a nutshell you are telling me to find a career that is financially rewarding, intellectually stimulating, socially giving and personally forgiving… Is that your way of being a brown dad and convincing me to become a doctor? 

Me: Well. It’s up to you how you take this advice but whatever you end up doing, try to beat that!

I would love you and support you in whatever you do. And make sure you are not just fulfilling some criteria but are also happy with your choice. 

September 15, 2024